Grotesque Green Juice

In yoga classes there’s often a moment when the instructor (isn’t there a yoga specific word for instructor? Maybe yogi, but all I can think about when I use that word is that cartoon bear in leggings and a bright pink sports bra) tells you to breathe in the good, and exhale the bad. Even though I don’t think any of the emotional baggage I carry can be cleansed by just doing an essential life function, I do think it is possible to exhale the bad. Mostly because I have flossed like five times in my entire life, so yeah, my breath is probably very bad when I exhale.

Despite thinking cleansing breathing is basically crap, January is the time for cleansing. In with the good. Out with the bad. So I decided I’d start this year out with a juice cleanse. A good cleanse—like the metaphorical yoga breathing cleanse—should be about replacing bad things with good things. With my juice cleanse, I know what the good things I’m putting into my body are—vegetables and fruits–and I know how I’m getting them into my body—blending them in weird combinations and drinking them. I’m not quite sure about the expelling-the-bad part though… I think maybe the bad things I’m getting rid of are toxins, refined sugars, and pre-shredded cheeses—all the things Gwyneth Paltow does not believe in. But I’m not quite sure how I’m getting rid of them. I hope to God it’s out through my mouth in a sort of breathing-out-the-bad scenario, and not something having to do with poo.

Oh gosh, I really hope it’s not poo.

Anyway, if you’ve ever read my blog before you know I have a really hard time following through with things. But I’m trying really hard this year to do what I say I’m going to do. So here’s hoping I can actually finish the juice cleanse. I already almost stopped before I even started, the idea of going to the grocery store seemed exhausting, but I had already made out my list. Twice. And I am not a waster of lists. So I trudged along to the store and again, I happened to pass by the pre-packaged health juices and for the briefest of moments I thought I’d just skip the whole messy bit of cutting and blending and squeezing and just drink the bottled juice. But the individual serving bottles were $4 a piece and even as lazy as I am, I still have some sense of self-respect so I refused to pay that much for a cup of juice. And of course there was still the list to worry about.

I eventually made it back from the store with all my vegetables and fruit… and a couple candles (even with a sturdy shopping list, I’m not immune to impulse buys). I’m prepped and ready for three days of really grim juices.

I’ll update you when I finish to let you know how it went, but first let me share one of the juice recipes I’m making this week!

Grotesque Green Juice

(From Eating Well’s Juice Plan)


1 handful of parsley (a small baby-sized handful, it is parsley for juice after all)

2 pears


3 handfuls of spinach (again, baby-sized this time mostly just because my hands are baby-sized and I can’t help it)

6 stalks of celery

half a lemon (peeled)

1. Chop everything up, and stick it in the blender.


2. Get concerned about how chunky it’s looking


3. Pour little bits of the chunky mess into a coffee filter and squeeze out the juice into a cup.

4. Rethink your strategy for straining the juice after the coffee filter breaks.


5. Try not to cringe as you throw away a lot of good spinach pulp. Or compost, if you’ve got the time. I haven’t.

5. Repeat steps 3-5, five more times.

6. Try not to think about how cold and wet your hands are.

7. Repeat steps 3-5 at least one more time.

8. Drink up! And try not to grimace while you drink it.

To be honest, it’s not that bad. The parsley makes it taste healthy… in a bad way. But the pears balance out the gross for sure.

You can find the rest of the recipes for juice I’m making this week at and do  your own January juice cleanse!

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